Sunday, June 9, 2013

Red Humour

A papa tomato and a mama tomato are walking down the street with baby tomato lagging behind. Papa tomato yells, “You better catch up or I’ll make you ketchup!”

A well-meaning onlooker reports the utterance of a death threat to the police who fill out a report and then refer the matter to the child protection authorities. CAS investigates and learns about more incidents -- all exaggerated to greater or lesser degrees -- from the young one who is all too happy to tattle on Dad since Dad cut his video game playtime short to watch darts on the telly. The Children's Aid Society (CAS) informs the mother that she must choose: either she can leave the home and take her baby with her or CAS will be forced to apprehend the child from their home to protect it from the father's violent disposition. She flees with baby tomato in the night.

Dad is furious. He uses a picture he printed out from Facebook of the CAS worker as a dartboard. A couple months later, he drives for 1.25 hours in after-work traffic to the supervised access facility run by CAS in the abandoned coat hanger factory on the other side of the city only to find out that the visit has been cancelled but the same CAS worker that has become the target of his animosity failed to inform him. He unleashes an outburst of invective that include derogatory comments about the skin colour of the CAS worker, who happens to be black. This time the police do more than write up a report.

Hate-crime charges are laid. The father's lawyer, appointed by the state, is clear that jail time is all but inevitable due to a previous conviction he received for getting in a bar brawl during uni. (He got those charges stayed by completing an anger management course but the meetings were mostly an opportunity for the "instructor" to talk about his own problems to a captive audience.) The lawyer advises a plea of guilty in so many words. But before the father can even get to a plea hearing -- let alone fight the case -- he loses his job and his sense of dignity with it. He joins a Men's Rights Activists group and finds solace there for a while before he starts questioning how he became so emotionally attached to rhetoric spewn by people completely in denial about any culpability they may have for their own problems.




A week before the trial is set to begin, he takes his last $60 out of an ATM and hails a taxi to get a ride downtown. He rides up to the top of the tallest building and then looks out at the grey, gloomy sky. Eyes facing forward, one, two, three steps and plunges to his death. Red liquid spatters across the pavement. A fellow at the intersection nudges his equally well-dressed friend in the ribs and inquires with a cocked eyebrow, "Are they filming a sequel to Cloudy with a chance of meatballs already?"

Friday, June 7, 2013

DSM-V(et)

What if dogs and cats that always want to be on the other side of the door have OCD and when we laugh about it we're making fun of their legitimate mental illnesses? Then who is subhuman?


They might feel compelled by an overwhelming sense to doom to make sure there is nothing outside their hearth and home but once they get out there waves of anxiety wash over them because their family pack is vulnerable inside without them. That's no joke.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

1 billion nerds with computers all shit the bed

How is there no video on Youtube of Mass Effect footage set to Tokyo Police Club's "Citizens of Tomorrow"? Isn't content online approaching the infinity-monkeys-with-infinity-computers level anyway? Yet somehow there isn't even a shitty, first-year graphic design student's homage to the two sci-fi masterpieces with the same dystopian themes of machines enslaving humanity, I mean geez Louise people! Everything on this list should have already been synergized in the aughties!


DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING INTERNET?

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Cheerios and Jeerios

How will people react the first time Kevin Garnett tells Jason Collins that Collins's boyfriend tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios? Will they be mad at Garnett for attacking a gay man via his sexuality? Will they be content that homosexuality is being treated the same way as heterosexuality at the highest levels of athletic competition? Will they migrate to other cereals?


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Throwback

The stroke of genius Commander Hadfield demonstrates in this weirdly popular video is that he synergized Bowie's iconography and the space program: two things that fit together so well because they both fell apart so spectacularly in 1986.

Challenger explosion.jpg
This can be a "challenging" image for Millenials to identify

I say, "Pfft," loudly and derisively to the whole scene. Call me when it's galaxy hero Commander Shepard singing in space and not some hoser with the mustache of a retired fireman and the body of someone whose muscle mass evaporated in zero gravity. If I want shitty karaoke with the occasional cool image of Earth from space thrown in to retain a modicum of my attention then I'll bring my Planet Earth DVDs down to the local pub on Wednesdays.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Unlimited Appetite

Visiting my Grandma's house is like going to a Super Bowl party that lasts all weekend; I constantly eat as much junk food as I can because it is a "special" occasion.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The lighter side of sports

This was a bad year to invest in "I survived Boston Marathon 2013" t-shirts.