Thursday, July 28, 2011

Ladies ...


... call me Keynesian economics, because you’ll need to go into debt on a cyclical basis to get me out of a general glut and raise my employment rate.

... call me the Union Army, because I’m blue and it will take me about 5 years to accomplish what should be done in half the time and I’ll probably get dysentery along the way.

... call me the Buffalo Bills because I will always find new and terrible ways to disappoint you.

... call me the appendix, because you’ll wonder why you ever had me around in the first place after I suddenly put you in the hospital and you have to pay someone to make me go away.

... call me Greece, because the last time I was the best at anything was ancient history.

... call me CBS, because your grandparents love me but I spend hours every evening focused on disturbing murders.

... call me the iPhone, because something better will come along soon.

... call me OxyContin, because even hillbillies use me to feel better about their lives.

... call me Phillip Morris Inc., because if you heard anything good about me I probably paid them to say it.

... call me Somalia, because I haven't had my shit together for over a quarter-century now and I get into lots of fights over food. Also the dysentery thing again.

... call me Dave Matthews Band, because the last time you were actually excited to hear from me was the late ‘90s and I have had a few black guys in me over the years.

... call me climate change, because I don’t seem like much of a threat now but I will eventually ruin everything.

... call me Gandalf, because I’ll send you on dangerous tasks that I could easily take care of myself.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Temptation; thy name is Fudgee-O

To eat, or not to eat: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the body to suffer
The calories and carbohydrates of fudgalicious cookies,
Or to take arms against a box of biscuits,
And by opposing end them? To munch: to eat;
One more; and by eating to say we start
The stomach-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To munch, to eat;
To digest: perchance to absorb: ay, there's the rub;
For in that mastication of sweets what rotundity may come
When we have swallowed these bonbons,
Must give us pause: there's the repast
That makes calamity of long life;
For who would bear the whispers and scorn of peers,
The cardiologist's prongs, the thin man's contumely,
The pangs of despised loves, the waistlines,
The induration of arteries and the spurns
That corpulent folks being heavy take,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a box of chocolate? why would fatties bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dessert of something after dinner,
That savoury country from whose diabetes
No stick figure returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills of paunch
Than try for others that we must exercise to know?
Thus sustenance does make adipose of us all;
And thus the native hue of salubrity
Is sicklied o'er with the porcine cast,
And enterprises of great health and moment
With this cocoa their currents turn sebaceous,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Fudgee-O! Nymph, in thy black Oreos
Be all my snacks devour'd.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

NHL Agent or Denturologist?

Take a good look at the picture below. Does that man strike you as someone who has been a member of the exclusive club of 150 certified NHLPA agents since 1996, or does it look more like some dude who makes oral prostheses in a Montreal borough having been trained at a CEGEP?

The answer is, of course, it looks like both.

Mr. Yves Archamault may lack the law degree from a prestigious institution that most other player agents have, but he did play 11 games as a goalie in the World Hockey Association back in the early '70s, where he posted a modest goals against average of 5.05. That sort of experience is hard to overlook. And whatever Yves may lack in talent and/or education he more than makes up for in chins.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Middle of the Ocean

I don't want to work and there are over 150 million websites and 5,000,000,000,000 megabytes worth of data on the internet. You would expect this to be a match made in an idealized afterlife, yet I cannot find anything more to keep myself from doing my job. In other words, I am facing a procrastination failure that is forcing me to scrape for marginally amusing content when I should be overwhelmed with things to watch and read.

So what are you supposed to do to distract yourself from the fact that you can't distract yourself?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Quiet Showers

Is there some way to make showers less noisy? I don't want to take baths, but I do want to be able to listen to something -- be it music, the radio, or a podcast -- while I am cleansing myself without the overwhelming sound of water blasting blocking it out.

I don't think most people realize how loud showers are because they quickly becomes ambient noise, but the fact is you have to blare whatever your trying to listen to if you want to make out any words while you are taking a shower. That is annoying to the person in the shower who feels like they are being subjected to a yelling match and to the people outside of it forced to listen to garbled news reports through the bathroom door.

This guy knows what I am talking about: coolguy2.


It seems to me there are two major factors that need to be addressed. The first is the noise the water makes coming out of the showerhead. One solution is to reduce the speed of the water, but a low-flow showerhead is not a sacrifice people are going to make and I doubt they do that much to reduce decibels.

Instead, I think you start to solve the problem by increasing the size of the apertures. I suspect the noise is created when the water tries to squeeze through a small hole, but if we reduce the friction between the water and the aperture by creating one big hole to reduce surface area, that could work. The risk would be that you would lose velocity by creating a big hole and effectively create a low-flow showerhead through other means, but there must be a work-around for that. Maybe the plumbing can be tweaked to boost velocity to compensate without significantly increasing noise volume?

Next you want to do something to keep the holes the water comes out of clean to minimize unnecessary noise caused by debris buildup shrinking apertures and giving the water a bumpy ride. A material that does not corrode easily and does not latch on to gunk or have a high coefficient of friction would be good here. In fact, I would recommend going to with a material with a low friction anyway, because that would reduce noise. Basically, noise is caused by energy and we want our water to have a lot of energy, but we want to minimize how much of that energy gets turned into noise along the way.

Once it is in the air, the water is momentarily not a problem, but then it lands, so the second factor is the noise created by the water hitting the porcelain of your bathtub. This seems like an easier problem to fix because there must be a less percussive material that can be installed instead of the standard porcelain. We want something that is less like a rumble strip and more like a shag rug, but not so shaggy. Is it possible for something to absorb sound without also absorbing water or are the adjectives waterproof and quiet mutually exclusive?


There is a third factor, of course: water hitting the bather's body, but that is unavoidable. I'd like to believe that this is actually a negligible factor and that if you can reduce the noise from the first two factors to the level of water hitting the body then the issue will be adequately resolved.

So, are there any acoustics & materials engineers out there who can help me solve this problem? Maybe you can even come up with a way to convert the sound back into energy to help power the radio or something, I don't know, work with me here. (This is a million-dollar idea, by the way, so if anyone of you successfully implements it on a mass scale then I want my percentage.)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Significance of Brad Richards

A lot of people have downplayed the significance of the Rangers signing Brad Richards. They have suggested that in a different year, he would not have stood out so much from the rest of the pack of unrestricted free agents (UFAs).

I think these people are overlooking just how good Brad Richards is. He was third in points last year amongst centers despite missing an eighth of the season. He put up that kind of production playing between Loui Eriksson and James Neal. Eriksson is good but James Neal is the guy who got traded to Pittsburgh at the deadline and put up 1 goal in 20 games with his new team.

Last year was not an aberration either. It was the fourth time Richards was in the top five in scoring by a center. When folks say they want a proven first-line center for their team, this is the type of guy they should be thinking of.

And Richards's value goes beyond point production. A lot of people put a premium on playoff performance and Richards is not only a Stanley Cup winner, he is a Conn Smythe winner, plus he shares the record for most points in the third period of a playoff game (4) while with the Stars. You can give Richards some bonus points for leadership, too, since he wore an 'A' in Dallas.

OK, focus Brad! You can do this! Just keep the controller high and everything will be fine!
That kind of player does not come onto the open market very often because teams don't like to lose that type of player for nothing. Just look at when the four other top-5 centers from last year will be UFAs, at the earliest:

  • Henrik Sedin      2014
  • Steven Stamkos 2015
  • Eric Staal           2016
  • Jonathan Toews 2015

The average is 2015 and that is only if their teams don't sign them to extensions. If they don't, it will probably be because those players left the top-5.

You can also appreciate the uniqueness of the Richards situation this way: The last time a center who was top 3 in points came onto the free agent market under the current CBA was never. I mean it hasn't happened since before 2006 and I don't care to look back past that. For all I know, it might never have happened.

The last time a center who was top-5 in points came onto the free agent market was in 2006 when the Bruins snatched Marc Savard (#5) away from the Thrashers. (How did that work out for you, Atlanta?)

Maybe you're thinking, "Aw, this guy is only looking at the top-5 in points. I'm sure there are lots of 1st-line centers out there who aren't at the very top but are going to be available in a 30-team league." Well, there are two centers who were in the top-30 in scoring last year and are scheduled to be UFAs next year but I doubt anyone is counting down the days to July 1, 2012 because they are hoping Mikhail Grabovski or Tuomo Ruutu will be available.

The year after that you can fight over Sidney Crosby, Mike Ribeiro, David Krejci, and Brandon Dubinksy, if any of those guys are actually available. The chances of that happening are minimal for several reasons:

  1. A team can start negotiating with a player under contract with the team a year before anyone else gets a shot at that player.
  2. Players are risk-averse so they do not want to wait a year while they play a violent game when they could sign a contract right away and guarantee themselves millions of dollars that might otherwise be lost in one freak accident on the ice or elsewhere.
  3. Players have families. Their children go to schools and make friends locally and their wives are often from the area.
  4. Players have sentimental attachments of their own to their teammates, their coaches, their city and their fans that are tough to walk away from.
  5. Teams don't want to alienate fans by letting elite players walk-away. If that sort of thing happens then the fans lose confidence that the team is committed to building a winner and they lose a connection with a player who was a big part of the team's public image.
  6. The teams already know the player can be successful in their system. They know there is a certain level of compatibility with the other players in the locker-room and the coaches on the bench, so keeping that player is preferable to trying to incorporate a new part from elsewhere that may have hidden defects.
In short, the circumstances that led Richards to New York are extremely rare because he is a rare commodity and the system is designed to keep those rare commodities with their team. People who tell themselves not to worry because their team can pick up an elite 1st-line center next year are deluding themselves. Even if the supply was there, the competition would be formidable (so let's hope Ville Leino really is a 1st-line center and the Sabres have found a solution where none was thought to exist).

Friday, July 8, 2011

Editor-at-Large

I would love to have the position of 'Editor-at-Large'. It sounds like the highest conceivable ratio of power-to-responsibility, like you have ultimate decision-making authority but you are not expected to be around to use it. It also sounds a little like you are a fugitive which is even cooler.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Farley is James! James is Farley!

I think everyone who saw the trailer Grown Ups thought that Chris Farley would be playing the fat guy instead of Kevin James if he was still alive. The movie had Adam Sandler as the star, David Spade as the sarcastic guy, Chris Rock as the black guy, Rob Schneider as the weird guy, and Kevin James as the fat guy. (Note that movie casts are like groups in real life; you only really want/need one fat guy.) Amongst a cast of formerly funny SNL alumni, James stood out for never having been on SNL and never having been funny.

But what if, in an alternate universe where Chris Farley doesn't overdose on cocaine, Farley assumed James's roles in more than just Grown Ups? What if Kevin James jumped in where Farley left off and assumed his entire career trajectory?

These two white guys were born a year apart and they rely/relied heavily on physical comedy. Their ability to be funny kinetically stems from their surprising athleticism – Farley played rugby in college and James played football. They both play nearly the same character in every movie, although James's standard character has a little less gusto. Farley was probably a little fatter than James has ever been but he was also more talented. Basically, anything James can do, Farley could do better. Replacing Farley with James is like going from Michael Jordan to Vince Carter: the physical gifts are mostly the same but you lose a lot of the intensity that made the physical gifts so effective.


Here is Chris Farley's imdb profile blended with Kevin James's imdb profile:


1990-1995 Saturday Night Live (TV series)
Various / Sandman / B Fats / …

1992 Wayne's World
Security Guard


1993 The Larry Sanders Show (TV series)
Chris Farley
L.A. or N.Y.? (1993) … Chris Farley


1994 Tom (TV series)
Chris
He's Heavy, He's My Brother (1994) … Chris


1995 Billy Madison
Bus Driver (uncredited)




1998 Dirty Work
Jimmy (uncredited)


1998-2007 The King of Queens (TV series)
Doug Heffernan

2001 Arli$$ (TV series)
Kevin
Like No Business I Know (2001) … Kevin

2004 50 First Dates
Factory Worker




2008 You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Hacky Sack Tournament Celebrity Judge (uncredited)





When he died in December 1997, Chris Farley was due for a demotion to television. He had been cut from the SNL roster in 1995 as part of the cast overhaul that year. He had just tried his luck as a leading man in the mediocre Beverly Hills Ninja (5.0/10 on imdb) and the forgettable Almost Heroes with Matthew Perry (5.2/10 on imdb).

It makes sense to put Farley in the Doug Heffernan role in 1998 because it would mean he made the transition to TV the year after David Spade went to TV to do Just Shoot Me (in 1997). I think it's fair to say that Farley's and Spade's careers were intertwined so expecting that trend to continue with Farley following Spade to TV sounds reasonable. And if you are a CBS executive and you can sign big-name Chris Farley instead of no-name James at that point, wouldn't you do it?


Now check out the Wikipedia description of Kevin James's character character in King of Queens, Douglas “Doug” Heffernan: “His misadventures are often fueled by his childish and immature mannerisms as well as his love of food. These basic desires often cause him to think of strange, intricate schemes in order to get what he wants, although they always manage to fall through in the end causing constant squabbles between him and Carrie.” That doesn't sound like something Chris Farley could handle?

If Chris Farley had taken on the role of Doug Heffernan in King of Queens, then the rest of James's career would follow since King of Queens was really the breakthrough role for Kevin James that lead to everything else. James's big breakthrough was the 1996 Just for Laughs festival and that would have happened anyway, but until he started appearing on CBS comedies, he was not anywhere near big enough to star opposite Will Smith (Hitch) or Vince Vaughan (The Dilemma). Farley would be in James's position but with more prestige and James would be stuck in obscurity, no competition for the (crappy) movie roles that Farley would gobble up.

We can also make a reasonable assumption that whenever James got a job in an SNL alumni movie, that role should have gone to Farley. Before he died, Farley had already received roles in Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, Billy Madison, and Dirty Work. If that trend continued then it would have been natural for Farley to replace James in 50 First Dates, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, You Don't Mess with the Zohan, and, of course, Grown Ups. That just leaves Hitch, Grilled, Paul Blart, The Dilemma and Zookeeper.

Let's start with Hitch. Farley would be replacing James in the role of the aspiring but incompetent bachelor. In Hitch, Kevin James started playing secondary characters that are a little more toned down than you would normally expect from the big fat guy. That said, I still think Farley could pull it off; he once said about himself, “Basically, I only play one character, I just play him at different volumes.”

Besides, the two major requirements for James's role in Hitch were that he be able to dance terribly and act awkward around women. I would refer you to the 'Lunch Lady' and 'Chippendales' sketches on SNL as proof that Farley could have excelled in the scenes that called for terrible dancing, and Farley's interactions with the love interest in Tommy Boy prove he could be the guy who lacks confidence around the fairer sex.


Grilled is one potential hole in the Farley-as-James theory since it is a role that James got because he had a pre-existing relationship with Ray Romano. It's hard to imagine Farley playing James's role in the movie since neither you nor I have seen it, but consider this: James plays a meat salesman (!) who must make a sale within 12 hours. It's basically Tommy Boy but they replaced car parts with meat (which is probably what Tommy Boy should have been about in the first place.)


Although Chris Farley participated in a lot of SNL alumni projects, he still wanted to establish himself as a leading man in his own right. (How else do you explain movies like Beverley Hills Ninja and Almost Heroes?) In that light, Paul Blart: Mall Cop fits in nicely with my theory. Paul Blart also works because it is another physical comedy featuring 'that guy from King of Queens'.

Some of you might think it would be hard to shoehorn Chris Farley into Kevin James's role in The Dilemma, but I have a surprise for you: Farley and Vince Vaughan were actually part of the same ImprovOlympic troupe in Chicago! Boom! There's your connection right there. The role probably should have gone to Jack Black or Zach Galifanakis anyway, but if the people behind The Dilemma have to decide between Farley (more talented, more well-known, and Vince Vaughan's old improv buddy), and James (less talented, less well-known, and Ray Romano's buddy), I think they have to go with Farley.

That just leaves us with Kevin James's most recent turd: Zookeeper. It's easy to picture Farley replacing James in that movie since anything James can do, Farley could do better, including physical comedy. You need Farley to run head-first into an overhanging branch and launch his body onto the ground? Easy as the pie all over his face. You need him to fly around in a curtain and bowl over a bride at her wedding? Farley was already a master of that twenty years ago. You need him to take advice from animals on becoming a pick-up artist? I think that was an SNL sketch.

In conclusion, Kevin James killed Chris Farley. Thank you for your time.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Limits on Monarchical Power

What if you are British royalty but you hate the sound of bagpipes? There must be at least one prince or princess that despises the cacophony those "instruments" make, so I'm sure if they could get rid of them, they would have done so by now. I guess it's sort of like how God gave Americans enough money to do whatever they wanted then made them too fat to get off the couch.

Now that I think about it, aren't bagpipes a Scottish instrument? In that case, why are they always blaring near English royalty? The screeching must be karmic payback for centuries of colonial oppression. Or maybe tea-and-scones is not an instrument and there wasn't much else in English culture to draw from.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Bole

A lot of times when people say, “That's the understatement of the year!” it is an overstatement.