Thursday, December 29, 2016

The Secret is Never Try

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” 
― Narcotics Anonymous

I hate this quote, especially when it's abridged to just, "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." It's anti-perseverance and inaccurate in non-deterministic environments (i.e. life). It's like saying to some who wants a coin to land heads to give up if they flip it a couple times and get only tails.


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Have Another Donut but even more sardonically

I like to carry around a box of donuts with the words "For HEROES Only" at big public functions. I go up to police standing (or more often sitting) around doing nothing whatsoever and open the box. When they reach for one I slam the lid shut and tell them that they've already fed enough at the public trough, piggy piggy piggy, they don't need any more overcompensation. Then I explain that the donuts are clearly for NBC's HEROES (Masi Oka, Hayden Panettiere and their colleagues -- have they seen them?) but I opened the box so they could see what they need to lay off of. Last, I hit them with a lecture about presumptiveness and how assumptions make an ass out of you and me but mostly just you, like almost entirely you.

Works best on the fat ones, which is to say most of 'em.



Thursday, January 7, 2016

HBD

Facebook is a grand website to visit if you enjoy racking your brain to think of an original and non-obnoxious way to say "Happy Birthday!"

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Toronto Dominion Over All

So the not-so-self-aware folks at TD Economics came up with a new labour market indicator and the headline they chose to introduce it with is, "ONE INDICATOR TO RULE THEM ALL." That's right. They went with a metaphor using Tolkien's evil ring that corrupts even the purest of hearts. In this analogy (of their choosing!), they are Sauron and the labour market indicator possesses a hidden malevolent power to enable their control over (Middle) Earth.

This is terrible branding on their part. Monolithic institutions operating in big towers and with wide-ranging influence should not be quoting imperious necromancers to introduce a new product they are intent on everyone adopting.


I call upon the Frodo of our time to destory this foul statistic and banish its evil designs from our realm.

But as long as one of the world's most powerful banks is being oblivious to their imposing stature and to literary allusions, they might as well go whole hog. I propose TD Collections Services should reference Shylock from The Merchant of Venice. Their new product should carry the headline, "The adjustable-rate mortgage payment which we demand is dearly bought; 'tis ours and we shall have it."