Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Have Another Donut but even more sardonically

I like to carry around a box of donuts with the words "For HEROES Only" at big public functions. I go up to police standing (or more often sitting) around doing nothing whatsoever and open the box. When they reach for one I slam the lid shut and tell them that they've already fed enough at the public trough, piggy piggy piggy, they don't need any more overcompensation. Then I explain that the donuts are clearly for NBC's HEROES (Masi Oka, Hayden Panettiere and their colleagues -- have they seen them?) but I opened the box so they could see what they need to lay off of. Last, I hit them with a lecture about presumptiveness and how assumptions make an ass out of you and me but mostly just you, like almost entirely you.

Works best on the fat ones, which is to say most of 'em.

Thursday, January 7, 2016


Facebook is a grand website to visit if you enjoy racking your brain to think of an original and non-obnoxious way to say "Happy Birthday!"

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Toronto Dominion Over All

So the not-so-self-aware folks at TD Economics came up with a new labour market indicator and the headline they chose to introduce it with is, "ONE INDICATOR TO RULE THEM ALL." That's right. They went with a metaphor using Tolkien's evil ring that corrupts even the purest of hearts. In this analogy (of their choosing!), they are Sauron and the labour market indicator possesses a hidden malevolent power to enable their control over (Middle) Earth.

This is terrible branding on their part. Monolithic institutions operating in big towers and with wide-ranging influence should not be quoting imperious necromancers to introduce a new product they are intent on everyone adopting.

I call upon the Frodo of our time to destory this foul statistic and banish its evil designs from our realm.

But as long as one of the world's most powerful banks is being oblivious to their imposing stature and to literary allusions, they might as well go whole hog. I propose TD Collections Services should reference Shylock from The Merchant of Venice. Their new product should carry the headline, "The adjustable-rate mortgage payment which we demand is dearly bought; 'tis ours and we shall have it."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Studly Cool Words

"Oh yeah? You wanna act out? Well I got a little flare for the damn attic myself." - me, before I shoot a flare at the roof of a building I am arguing with a melodramatic neighbour about.

Note that this works even better when spoken aloud because the distinct spellings of the homophone flare/flair would be obscured in such a situation.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The First Two Hipsters 1 Minute After The Big Bang

Florissa Fairweather-Van Vleet: I dunno, I just feel like the whole cosmological principle of large-scale homogeneity is too normative, you know? I mean, why can't we just be our own singularities if some of us feel like that on the inside? ... [plaintively] Jaydennnn, are you even listening to me? I'm trying to tell you about my myriad lived experiences.

Jayden Tuckerston-Marlborough: Wait, sorry, what? I was listening to some Arcade Fire tracks on my (ostentatiously huge) headphones but yeah, pretty lame how we are the only two white people in the universe right now. It just seems like, where's the diversity, you know? Let's find some Afro-American guys who will sell us weed.

Florissa: Dammit, Jayden! You're not even trying to connect with me chakras! Why do you think I got this orca tattoo on my left thigh? You make me feel like such a whale sometimes!

Jayden: Ok, God, fine. We can just watch Bob's Burgers or whatever on Netflix if you want, fine. We should still get some weed before our Gender Studies class though.

Florissa: Ahhhhh, thanks Jayden. Sometimes it's like you're the only one in this universe who can understand me.

Jayden: Love ya too, babe. *Puts headphones back on* Hey, these headphones aren't even plugged in! Yo, Florissa, I think that maybe that music I was hearing is just the random burbling background noise of the Big Bang's proto-verse repeating itself over and over, but I totally admit it does sound a tad like some of Win's newer stuff.

Florissa: Um, no offense, but isn't it, like, a bit presumptuous to say you can really objectively observe the Big Bang. I just feel like Steady State Theory makes a bit more sense to me than what's happening right now 'cause of postmodern cultural relativism and something I read in an old National Geographic once when I was at my aunt's cottage for Midsummer's Day in Östersund.

Jayden: *having wandered off 50 words ago, smokes a little weed and gets so paranoid about how it will affect his brain when he is writing his art history midterm 13.8 billion years from now that he runs into a black hole to hide*

Florissa: *tumblrs gif of Jayden slipping beyond the event horizon then searches for Pabst Blue Ribbon on Alta Vista*

Jayden: *manages to radiate pompous, venal ignorance throughout the universe despite being trapped by in a gravity well*

Résultats de recherche d'images pour « black hole meme »

Friday, March 13, 2015

On the March! (Break)

A lot of people think that March Break is just the high school version of reading week but it actually goes back much further to ancient times when Roman soldiers enjoyed a four-week furlough during the summer campaign season. Important officials would gather in the capital during this time to discuss the issues of the day, which is why General Julius Caesar was in town on the Ides of March when he was assassinated by his fellow Senators.

Over time, the months shifted on the calendar: September, October, November, and December -- so named because they originally were the seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth months -- became months 9 through 12 and March was moved from the middle of the summer to earlier in the year to make room for July and August (named after Julius and Augustus Caesar).

The four-week furlough for non-essential military personnel became associated with the Roman god of war Ares (who became known as Mars going forward) because it was spun by Roman aristocrats as a tribute to the state's warriors and not just a cost-cutting measure to reduce Rome's ballooning military budget. In this regard, March Break can be seen as an antecedent to contemporary holidays like Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, and Remembrance Day. Folks were more into military glory back then so things got blown out into almost a full month.

Like Saturnalia and other pagan traditions, March Break (or 'Mars Brecht' as it was traditionally known) was eventually co-opted as a Christian holiday, becoming an important part of the agrarian calendar to ensure all hands were available for the spring planting season. Since then the capital-industrialist powers-that-be have whittled the break down to a vestigial week, which is all that remains of a once proud tradition of honouring veterans.

St. Patrick's Day, however, has nothing to do with March. So stop making the month about drinking and the colour green.


Thursday, May 29, 2014

Real men have the letter "r" in their name

When did this:

Liam     Jayden     Aiden     Mason

Become more attractive than this:

Elmer     Willard     Fred     Harold

When did this:

Ava     Isabella     Lily     Sophia

Become more beautiful than this:

Gertrude     Mildred     Opal     Beulah