Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Have Another Donut but even more sardonically

I like to carry around a box of donuts with the words "For HEROES Only" at big public functions. I go up to police standing (or more often sitting) around doing nothing whatsoever and open the box. When they reach for one I slam the lid shut and tell them that they've already fed enough at the public trough, piggy piggy piggy, they don't need any more overcompensation. Then I explain that the donuts are clearly for NBC's HEROES (Masi Oka, Hayden Panettiere and their colleagues -- have they seen them?) but I opened the box so they could see what they need to lay off of. Last, I hit them with a lecture about presumptiveness and how assumptions make an ass out of you and me but mostly just you, like almost entirely you.

Works best on the fat ones, which is to say most of 'em.