Thursday, August 16, 2012

Opposites Attract (Viewership)

The opposite of the high jump is limbo but the Catholic Church got rid of Limbo and is using its influence with the IOC to prevent limbo from becoming an Olympic sport, which is foutaise.



So is the fact that they give out medals for diving with the smallest splash but belly-flops have not even cracked the Olympics as a demonstration sport yet. It's easy: you just put a bunch of containers around a small pool that all feed into a centralized graduated cylinder underneath that measures the volume of water displaced and whoever transported the most water from the pool to the cylinder wins. The pool would have to be small and there would be 5 attempts per competitor with each attempt counting towards their cumulative volume. To succeed would require a mix of technique and mass. You could even have separate events for the 5m platform and the 1m springboard (since five belly-flops from the 10m platform and the 3m springboard might raise concerns about internal bleeding).

Imagine the excitement as the water trickles down and collects upwards towards the current leader's position after each dive while on the other half of the split screen is a slow-motion replay of the exaggerated ripples of the flopper's torso and the pool's waves, first seen from above and them from the side!

(Actually, now that I think about it, the sport of flopping already exists at the Olympics, they just call it "Men's Basketball.")

Most Olympic sports don't have a viable opposite, e.g. you it's not feasible to have a competition to see who can run the slowest (instead of the fastest) or who can drown (instead of swim). We must take advantage of those few opportunities for symmetry that exist.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Kobe's Hypocrisy

I don't like how Kobe Bryant is cool with comparing this year's USA Men's basketball team (USAMNT) to the 1992 Dream Team but he won't let people compare him to Michael Jordan. How can he say, "Just let me do me! Michael is Michael. You gotta let me do me!" then turn around and say, "Anybody that thinks that this team can't beat the 1992 team is an idiot." Why can't you just let the 1992 Dream Team be the 1992 Dream Team, Kobe? Why do you have bring the USAMNT your on into it?

It's much easier to compare Bryant and Jordan than it is to compare Dream Teams. There are simply fewer factors to take account of when you are comparing one player with another rather than one set of 12 players with another set of 12 other players.

Jordan and Bryant are an obvious comparison because they have many similar attributes: height, leaping ability, position, and competitiveness. It's natural to look at the two and ask who was the more dominant player. The problem, though, is that Jordan was just way better. There's no counter-argument.

Bryant is a poor man's version of Jordan. He was not as athletic when he came into the league. He hasn't always started for his team, let alone always lead his team like Jordan did. His late-career post-game is not as masterful (since Jordan's go-to move was an elegant and unblockable turn-around fade-away while Bryant's go-to move is eleventeen pump-fakes that double as elbows to his defender's chest). His clutch performances don't match up to Jordan's flu game and all his game-winning shots in the playoffs. He never won an NCAA championship, albeit in part because he never played college ball but that is still an omission on his resume. He has never won a steals title (Jordan won 3). He's never been defensive player of the year. Bryant needs eight more scoring titles to match Jordan.  He even needs another slam dunk title to get even with Jordan in that department. Oh, and four more MVP awards. It's easy to see why Bryant dislikes people comparing him one-on-one to his superior and prefers to talk about comparisons where he gets to include LeBron James and Kevin Durant in his column.

I'm told Bryant wants to win another championship so he can equal Michael Jordan's rings total (6) and legitimize the conservation, but a chasm will remain between the two. It's especially telling that Bryant has only two NBA Finals MVP awards in 7 Finals appearances while Jordan won 6 Finals MVPs in 6 appearances. And keep in mind that the last NBA Finals MVP award Bryant won was scorned by many -- well, mostly just Bill Simmons -- because he went 6/24 in game seven of that series. So, even if Bryant wins another championship and equals Jordan in the rings department (unlikely), he'll still be way behind Jordan in championships actually *won* in the fashion that causes people to worship Jordan, i.e. by leading his team emotionally, defensively, in scoring, and especially at the end of games. Kobe should be more focused on catching Robert Horry and his seven NBA titles than Jordan's six.

A better comparison for today's USAMNT would be the 2000-2002 Lakers that won Bryant his first three championships. Why? Because both are/were great and neither is/was lead by Kobe.

Shaq be all like, "Kobe, How my ass-mar taste?" Trippy, Shaq, pretty freakin' trippy.