Thursday, December 29, 2011

Conspiracy Theory 2 - Feminism

You probably hadn't realized this, but the feminist agenda only met with success in the last century when it was promoted by men. That's because men wanted to trick women into doing more work and feminism was a useful tool for that purpose. At this stage in economic history it is fairly clear that the capacity for economic output in the West far exceeds any definition of need -- that's why men perpetrated the Great Recession during which women barely lost any jobs but lots of men got to stop working. It's brilliant.

It is historical fact that female employment really took off in the West during and after World War II when the feminist movement was actually at a nadir. However, once the stated feminist goal of equal employment become something of a reality, men a) split feminism into warring camps with internal battles, b) distracted feminists with political-correctness debates, and c) made many politically active women in the West feel bad by highlighting other groups that have it even worse, e.g. non-whites, homosexuals, the poor, and the colonized. This prevented women from getting any real power while maximizing their contribution to GDP.

Nowadays, women get to work full-time AND do the majority of childcare and housework in the evenings. Somehow women have been expected to be equal contributors in the workplace for 50-plus years but "stay-at-home Dads" are still a news story. And even though women do work full-time, they still somehow manage to get paid less. Hurray for feminism!


Monday, December 26, 2011

Bad King Wenceslas Fires Back

Screw all y'all! I'm the king! That means God already decided what I do is right. I don't need to go hither, thither, and yon handing out alms to peasants like that schmuck Good King Wenceslas. I don't want to hear about that self-absorbed twerp anymore!

In case you hadn't realized by now, peasants are supposed to starve to death; that's why they're peasants and I am king. If God didn't want those losers to die of famine then he wouldn't have had me raze their crops for my super-sized lawn-bowling field. The sooner they freeze to death, the sooner God will be able to focus on blessing my St. Stephen's Day feasting. I worked hard ordering my guards to whip my servants so that the goose and duck could be fully fatted and I better not have to listen to any more hagiography about that wannabe-boy-scout Good King Wenceslas while I am indulging my royal appetite. No one likes a fawning fan-boy at their dinner table.

No one likes a goody-goody-two-shoes either, so Good King Wenceslas can shut his engorged cake-hole then use it to kiss my ass. What a show-off! We get it already! You want to be a saint! Stop pretending that you spotting some low-life serf struggling across your estate was an inspiring coincidence. Of course there was some pathetic planter trudging along there, I'VE BEEN EXILING THOSE MONGRELS FROM THE SAINT AGNES FOUNTAIN AREA SINCE FIRST SNOWFALL! (I want to convert that fountain into a wading pool for my pheasants and Saint Agnes was a total hag anyway.) You were probably waiting with your slack-jawed page since daybreak for a one-toothed serf to make his way by your window.

And for Christ's sake, stop trying to make yourself look like Jesus, you self-aggrandizing weiner-hole! The beard and the white robes were already over-the-top. Now you are walking in front of people to make their path slightly less arduous? Could you be any more transparent?

Maybe next time you want to go rescue some dime-a-dozen farmer from the cold you shouldn't bring a pint-sized page with you when the snow is 2-feet deep. Why do you even keep those midgets around? Use my test: if a page or squire can't break a peasant's forearm with one blow of their club then they shouldn't be on your secondary barn staff, let alone in the divine presence of a king.

I would tell you to get off your high horse, but you aren't smart enough to have one. Never thought of that, did ya? Riding a big horse through the deep snow? Or a pack mule to carry all your alms and other crap? You're not impressing anyone with your masochistic bravado. I mean, no one in the village is saying, "Hey did you hear about Good King Wenceslas? He made some holes in the snow with his fat feet. What a hero!"

Sod off.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

... about an Oxford comma

Every time I am writing and I have to decide whether or not I want to use an Oxford comma, I always get this song stuck in my head:


Once that song is in my head I am reminded that Vampire Weekend exists and I consider whether I want to listen to some of their music. It's like free, very effective marketing for the band. Of course, if I didn't like Vampire Weekend then I would probably be annoyed with them and I wouldn't even consider listening to their music, but if I didn't like Vampire Weekend then the issue would be moot because I wouldn't want to listen to them whether I was reminded of their existence or not. (Also, I would be lame for not liking such a good band -- an Un-Coolguy Thrawn, if you will.)

I think musicians would be smart to write more catchy songs about peculiar nouns that have distinct names so that whenever the noun pops into your head, the catchy song quickly follows and you end up thinking about the musician's oeuvre. That's the ultimate goal of most marketing and branding anyway, isn't it? That you'll instinctively associate them with other things and turn your mind to their products? In that sense, musicians really have an inside track on marketing because half of what makes a good advertisement is the music to start with.

For example, The New Pornographers should write a song about macadamia nut cookies. Well, not actually "about" macadamia nut cookies, but a song titled "Macadamia Nut Cookies" that uses that phrase as a chorus lyric with an appealing, easy-to-sing/hum vocal melody. That way, the next time I am at Subway waiting for the sandwich barista to wrap up my sub and my eyes being to ogle the oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, double chocolate, M&M, and (of course) macadamia nut cookie selection, The New Pornographers will pop into my head and I will ponder whether I want to buy more of their music, even if only for a fleeting second before the request for cash or credit snaps me back to reality.*

It's sort of like how Seinfeld used candies with silly names that stand out like "Jujyfruits" and "Junior Mints" to make the show a little bit more interesting and quotable, but more fiendishly capitalistic.

*: Whoops, there goes gravity.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bad Timing

It's well established that all decisions made by the Harper Government© must go through the Prime Minister's Office (PMO), so I have to assume the following conversation happened yesterday between the PMO and the Office of the Minister of the Environment (OME):

OME: Hey PMO, it's unseasonably warm right now with temperatures going up to 9°C in the middle of December, and we just got back from a high-profile UN conference on the importance of mitigating climate change where we recognized that the collapse of the Kyoto protocol could destabilize markets. What should we do next?


OME: Who should we get to announce it?

PMO: THE GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT OZONE IS!*

OME: Won't that piss people off?

PMO: NO BECAUSE ANNOUNCEMENT WE SPEND $600 MILLION TO ALIGN ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY WITH AMERICA AND REDEFINE "CLEAN AIR".**

OME: But Canadians hate it when we copy the United States.

PMO: TOO BAD! WE ALREADY CO-OPERATE WITH AMERICA ON TRADE & SECURITY DEAL.

OME: Why are you yelling at us?

PMO; BLAARGH! PMO MUST GO! KITTENS TO PET!

Keep in mind, last time we tried to get on the Security Council we lost to lowly Portugal, a country so messed up that is begging Angola (of all places) for help and trying to save money by skimping on local anaesthetic.

*: Seriously though, who appoints an Environment Minister who doesn't know what ozone is. That's like appointing a Science Minister who doesn't believe in evolution

**: As long as we are spending $600 million to define "clean air", maybe we can spend another $10 million to get Peter Kent to define "ozone".

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sabres After-Action Report - 11/12 Season - Game 29

Sometimes injuries can be fun because you get to see the future of your team and some grizzled veterans called up, but once you dig down in the barrel as far as Colin Stuart the injuries aren’t fun anymore.

Nobody wants to see ...

... this much of ...

... Paul Szczechura.

For someone from Brantford with a 'z' in their last name, Paul Szczechura sure isn't Wayne Gretzky.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Canadian Federalism: A Giant Clusterfuck - Chapter 1

Disputes between the provinces and the federal government

Why not go bigger and make Canada a homogenous political unit or break it up into autonomous provinces?

Think about how much hot air blows between Ottawa and the provincial capitals as they fight to scapegoat the other. They fight over economic responsibility (e.g. when the question is whose policies caused a recession or who gets to take credit when employment goes down). They fight over budgetary failures (e.g. when the province blames downloading for ballooning expenses).

These disputes can lead to further disputes about who is responsible for fixing the problem which (if you accept that in a representative democracy the legislature is a stand-in for the people themselves) basically means that the Canadian people are fighting with themselves. Federalism can lead to a collective action problem because neither the province nor the federal government wants to be the first one to provide stimulus spending and absorb most of that cost, simply for political reasons.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Canadian Death Panels

You don't have anything if you're dead, which is why health-care spending is so fundamental. You can buy all the luxury cars you want but if your pacemaker goes on the fritz because you didn't replace the batteries then you won't be the owner of those luxury cars for much longer.

Despite the primacy of health-care spending, there are still limits on the amount of money available for health-care in all societies. Given finite resources, rationing must take place. In Britain, they have the "National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence," a public body that judges whether medicine is cost-effective. Here in Ontario, we have death panels the Committee to Evaluate Drugs (CED)*.

And this is the system they have in the States.
The CED is comprised of cancer experts, so it is basically an appeal to expert authority. In the Ministry of Health's own words, their decisions are "based on the best scientific evidence." (As opposed to the other committees the government came up with that use mediocre and below-average scientific evidence.)

So the question is, "Is it appropriate to rely on science to decide who gets the cancer drugs they need and who doesn't?" I would answer, "Yes!"

Not every appeal to authority can be justified so let's analyze the CED through a critical lens by asking the following five questions:

1) Relevant? -> Is the authority cited in fact an authority in the area under discussion?
2) Reasonable? -> Is this the kind of question that can now be settled by expert opinion?
3) Accurate? -> Has the authority been cited correctly?
4) Reliable? -> Can the authority be trusted to tell the truth?
5) Why? -> Why is an appeal to authority being made at all?

1) Yes, the CED is an actual authority in the area of cancer care because it has cancer care experts on it.
2) Yes, there is enough consensus and respect for the CVs of cancer experts that questions about cancer care can be settled using their opinions. Other countries faced with similar issues have their own committees that came to the same expert opinions.
3) We can safely assume that the cancer care experts are capable of citing themselves and other cancer experts correctly.
4) We can trust cancer experts because they have no ulterior motive to lie.
5) An appeal to authority is being made because someone needs to make an objective decision in a tricky, emotion-fueled area of public policy.

An appeal to expert authority can be faulty logic but it isn't always. According to my "Understanding Arguments" book, reliance on experts is inevitable in a world where issues are complicated and the issue of limited health-care dollars is a particularly prickly one. Even the best authorities cannot guarantee no errors so we cannot say the CED is a perfect solution, but someone or something needs to make a decision on what form rationing will take and science-based experts are supposed to be the most objective and rational . Unfortunately, that objectivity and rationality will always be uninspiring next to vivid emotional appeals made on behalf of a single, sympathetic human being.

***

One weird thing, though, about the CED is that the Ministry boasts it "includes cancer experts". That's good, but who else is on there? Why have non-experts on the committee at all?

Maybe the non-cancer experts on the panel are financial and statistical folks that input cost info along with what the cancer experts are telling them their public policy formulas to give the oncology the necessary context to make what is essentially a fiscal decision. Those extra steps are inescapable because of the fiscal nature of the root question being asked. However, when multiple fields of authority are being blended together, it raises a couple problems.

First, it is problematic because you have more fields that each have their own margins of error and confidence intervals, and each time you add another piece of information that is probabilistic in nature you must multiply those margins of error together. Second, interdisciplinary decisions are problematic because you are effectively creating a new, hybrid field so you lose the specialist's claim to authority.

Another weird thing about the CED is that the experts do not actually make decisions, they only make recommendations. Saying, "The ministry will ... make funding decisions on drug products based on the advice of experts," is not quite the same as saying that the experts will make the decisions. That type of setup is ideal for the politicians because it means they can wield the ultimate power if they want to but they have political cover the rest of the time as long as they go with what the experts recommend. Politicians don't want to be stuck deciding who lives and who dies, so being able to hand the problem off to technocrats certainly suits their interests.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

An idea is the most resilient parasite

Good King Wencelas came to God
Riding on a pony

Stuck a feather in Christ's cap
And gave him macaroni

Glow Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-orrria
In Excel's a day-o


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Iran into the British embassy and all I got was this burnt Union Jack

So Iran is not the most friendly country, we all know that. Iranians are always saying, "Death to [Country X]" or denying a country's right to exist, which is fairly serious when the IAEA suggests Iran is working towards acquiring a nuclear weapon. The most recent example of Iran's belligerence happened on Sunday when Iran's MPs voted overwhelmingly to downgrade diplomatic relations with the UK after the UK (along with Canada and the US) announced new measures targeting Iran's nuclear aspirations. Some Iranian MPs even chanted "Death to Britain" while they voted, which -- along with the tear gas attack by a South Korean MP against his fellow parliamentarians -- is a good reminder that, as bad as the behaviour in our legislatures is, we still are not anywhere near rock bottom.

Another major difference between Western liberal democracies like Canada and the Iranian theocracy is that when Iran downgrades diplomatic relations, they really downgrade diplomatic relations. From the BBC:
Protesters in the Iranian capital, Tehran, have broken into the UK embassy compound during a demonstration against sanctions imposed by Britain. Militant students are said to have ransacked offices, burned the British flag and smashed embassy windows. The move comes after Iran resolved to reduce ties following the UK's decision to impose further sanctions on it.
The students clashed with riot police and chanted "the embassy of Britain should be taken over" and "death to England". Students were said to have ransacked offices inside the building, and one protester was reported to be waving a framed picture of Queen Elizabeth II.
If Canada downgraded diplomatic relations with another country, our citizens would never do that. First of all, no one would be paying any attention to what Parliament was doing since the average Canadian pays attention to federal politics for about 5 days every election cycle. (Here's a rhetorical question for you: If the CBC news plays in some form an average of every 15 minutes and no one actually cares what it says, do we still have to pretend that the CBC is a vital Canadian institution? Can we get rid of George Stroumboulopoulos yet?)

Second, there isn't a critical mass of politically active youth in this country. Our demographics are skewed way more towards the geriatric than Iran; our median age is 41 while the Iranian median age is 26. And most of the young people we do have who might be inclined to take part in a political movement are busy with school or gainfully employed in jobs they need to pay off their student loans and credit cards.

Third, our security forces would never allow our citizens to carry on like that. We instituted a borderline police state when we had the G8 and G20 summits in Ontario and police powers have only grown stronger since then under the "Harper Government". Admittedly, the massive police force we spent $1 billion dollars on for protection at the G20 summit in Toronto could not prevent broken windows and burning cop cars in the downtown core, but if the police only needed to guard a single building I am sure they could handle that. No one in the Canadian government would countenance Canadian diplomacy getting a black eye (despite no other country caring what we do on the international stage) so I am sure we would find a way to crack down on embassy looters.

Fourth, any city big enough to have an embassy and a bunch of angry protesters would have plenty of people from whatever country they are protesting and they would make a lot of potential protesters feel bad. It's harder to hate the 'Other' when you have human contact with them -- they stop being the Other. Tehran lacks the sizable British population necessary for this humanization process to occur.

Fifth, our protesters have already expended most of their bile on hockey riots and innocuous Occupy movements. I'm only half-joking.

Essentially, if Canada downgrades diplomatic relations with another country, all it means is that our consulate delivers one crate of maple syrup on Christmas rather than five.

***

Letting protesters invade an embassy within your territory and scare off the embassy's employees is a clear violation of international law, so you would expect the international community to shriek even though (or maybe because) international law is notoriously difficult to enforce. Plus Iran does not have a stellar diplomatic record with protecting embassies to begin with (see: Hostage Crisis 1979, Iranian), and this whole thing started because the West wanted to further ostracize Iran so you would other countries to exploit this opportunity to pile on. Let's find out by taking a closer look at how the international community reacted to the assault on the British embassy:

US
The US condemned the attack "in the strongest terms". "We stand ready to support our allies at this difficult time," White House spokesman Jay Carney said.
Really, United States? You are the leader of the free world and the one remaining superpower yet "we stand ready to support our allies at this difficult time" are your "strongest terms"? This was an international incident, not a bake sale to raise money for a fledging WNBA team. Way to sound like FEMA. I bet your strongest terms would be a lot stronger if it was your embassy being looted, and it very well could have been since you implemented the same measures as the UK.

Russia
Russia said the attack was "unacceptable and deserving condemnation".
Thanks for the huge understatement, Russia. Hey, maybe you can stop giving the Iranians nuclear technology so we don't have these problems in the first place. Sticks and nukes can obliterate entire cities, but words never replaced a smashed embassy window. You know what else deserves "condemnation"? Putin, GazProm, crony capitalism, and mediocre human rights records.


France
French Foreign Minister Alain Juppe also condemned the incident, adding: "France expresses its full solidarity with the UK."
Welp, I guess no one expected much from France, anyway.

EU
A spokeswoman for EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton said it was a "totally unacceptable incursion".
Wow, I wish my job was spokeswoman in charge of stating the obvious. I would go after that job, too, if it wasn't for the fact that the EU is collapsing on itself like a black hole.

Canada
...
Sorry, there was nothing in the article I read about Canada's diplomatic reaction to the ransacking because hey, if no one in Canada cares about Canadian foreign policy, why should anyone else. I did look on the Foreign Affairs website, though, where I found a statement condemning the storming of the embassy. Here's what John Baird had to say:
Canada is outraged.... My officials have summoned the Iranian chargĂ© d’affaires to Canada to convey our displeasure directly.
Pretty good. However, if the Ministry really wanted to deliver the goods, it should have posted a video of John Baird berating the chargé d'affaires. If they're going to make the chargé drive all the way to Baird's office, they might as well have a video camera on hand to record the event. It would be deliciously awkward to watch an Iranian diplomat appointed by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bite his tongue while being told off by an atheistic homosexual.

I was wondering why the Ministry only summoned the chargé d'affaires for censure and not the Iranian ambassador himself. I assumed it was because the ambassador was not available, but then I checked out the Iranian embassy website and it turns that the chargé is the head of the mission hear in Canada. That is a diss in the world of international diplomacy.




The incident obviously brings to mind the 1979 Iranian Hostage Crisis and gives me an opening to reminisce about my favourite part of that Crisis (insofar as it's possible to look back on a 444-day hostage situation fondly): After the Iranians captured (almost) all of the American Embassy's employees on November 4, they released all the women and black people they had captured that same month. The reason they gave was because that they had sympathy for "oppressed minorities". Basically, they tried to divide and conquer America by driving a wedge between the white male elitists and the rest of American society. I always thought that was surprisingly insightful for a group of angry university students* that had never been to America, but it did not work; the hostage crisis actually brought Americans closer together.

Regardless, releasing those oppressed hostages was one of the great disses of the US by a sworn American enemy because of the elevated platform the message was delivered from and for the way it cut to the bone. Its gotta be right up there with Osama Bin Laden lecturing the American people on the evils of major corporations and the extermination of Native-Americans in his 2007 video, and Fidel Castro lambasting American imperialism and oil interests in his 1960 address to the UN in New York.

In comparison, Hugo Chavez has a long way to go if he hopes to claim the mantle of America-Criticizer-In-Chief. I don't understand why he sucks so bad because there is plenty of substance for him to point at. Somehow his histrionics are even worse than some of the American politicians he criticizes despite him not inhabiting the same over-the-top, 24-hour-news-cycle milieu.

*: There is some dispute over how much of the hostage crisis was actually the university students' initiative and how much was the result of higher-ups in the Iranian government apparatus pulling the strings, including Ayatollah Khomeini himself.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Call me Lardbutt

Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November; whenever I find myself pouring Dr. Pepper into my mouth; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing in the chip aisle, and it requires a strong medical principle to prevent me from methodically knocking off biscuits -- then, I account it high time to get to the Xbox as soon as I can.

The Post-Hitler Paradigm

Radek Sikorski, Poland's foreign minister, on the Euro Crisis:
I will probably be the first Polish foreign minister in history to say so, but here it is: I fear German power less than I am beginning to fear German inactivity.
First of all, zing -- for reference, Poland has been around, off and on, since 966AD and has been wiped off the map twice by Germany/Prussia & friends. Second, that is as good an excuse as any to post this mesmerizing picture:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Indisputable proof that Kings of Leon have sold out

I was checking out the recruitment video used by Cara (owner of Harvey's, Swiss Chalet, Milestones, Kelsey's, and Montana's) when I noticed a familiar melody. At the 3:45 mark (as phrases like 'Total Rewards', 'Competitive Salary', and 'Discount Programs' moved across the screen) the guitar track from "Use Somebody" blasted in the background and it became clear to me that Kings of Leon are in it for the cash.


Now it could be that Kings of Leon feel strongly about the merits of Swiss Chalet sauce and so they wanted to lend a hand to the corporate overlord that manages their favourite casual and family dining establishments, or it could be that they are money-grubbing, corporate lackeys consumed by avarice with no regard for artistic integrity. My money is on the latter; Kings of Leon's money is piling up.

88% of Cara's business comes from generic restaurants but the other 12% is airline catering. In other words, Kings of Leon decided to sell their music to a company that is responsible for the terrible food you get from Air Canada. It's ironic because a lot of people accused Kings of Leon of conforming to the lowest common denominator after their last album came out and now that same album is being used to promote airline food, the culinary equivalent of beige. Neither is particularly offensive or remotely enjoyable.

Here's Liam Gallagher on Kings of Leon's last album, "Only by the Night":

“But it seems to me they've gone for the bucks, man. When they first come out I was going, "Who the fuck is this?" They were cool and now they've all got their sleeves cut off. And I'm not dissing them because I fucking really like them, but it's like they've got this U2 sound and you can do better than that.”

And here's Caleb Followill:

"Our real fans, the ones who've been there for the past five years, are in the front row p**sed off. They'll turn their backs on us during Sex On Fire and Use Somebody, put their middle fingers up. I get it. We're definitely sellouts."

I don't really get why Cara thought using "Use Somebody" was a good idea either. I mean, sure, the lyrics talk about needing someone and the video is meant to fill vacant positions, but do you really want to tell prospective employees you are going to "use" them?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Conspiracy Theory 1 - Bed Bugs

Guys, what if bed bugs are being spread by Big Mattress as a way to boost sales? Those bastards at Posturepedic are sneaking into condo towers and apartment buildings with bags full of the pests and dumping 'em in the laundry room, I just know it. I hear they leave cryogenically frozen bug larvae in the new mattresses they sell that are designed to unfreeze and go to work sucking on your skin as soon as the warranty expires.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Bublé Tones

I just got stuck with a youtube advert for Michale Bublé's Christmas album before the video for "You've seen the Butcher" by the Deftones would play.


I guess they do both have beautiful voices.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A post-record industry music video

Now that mp3s have decimated the record industry, there just isn't the money out there for many big budget videos. What little is left is devoted to Lady Gaga's costume design department in an effort to distract from her face. That means even previously big bands like Bush (a.k.a. Bush X in Canada) are forced to film videos where the first half is simply Gavin Rossdale walking on a cloudy beach while someone with a handheld films him lipsynching.


Captivating stuff. The overall effect is marginally better than a static picture of Rossdale. Actually, it is probably worse; a picture of Rossdale could at least have been touched-up to try to make people forget that the guy is a rock star on the wrong side of 45. And I doubt Bush is the next Rolling Stones so a best-before date was missed somewhere. You know, now that I think about it, maybe it isn't such a bad thing after all that the record industry has been decimated.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bill Gates vs. Steve Jobs

I saw some biographer on the Daily Show say the difference between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates is that one came up with the iPod and one came up with the Zune. That's an ignorant comment to make since Microsoft and Apple are comprised of more than Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, respectively. Instead, I would say that the difference between the two of them is illustrated by the way that Bill Gates transitioned away from Microsoft in 2000 to help those less fortunate while Steve Jobs push aside those less fortunate to cut the line for a liver transplant so he could keep working for Apple.


For Bill Gates, philanthropy is about results: He helped create the largest transparently operated charitable organization. By 2007, Bill and his wife had already given over $28 billion and plan to contribute 95% of their wealth to charity before they die. None of those donations have been connected to the Microsoft brand; as Gates has increased his philanthropic focus he has concurrently distanced himself from Microsoft. His foundation uses business methods to demand accountability and production from the activities it supports.

For Steve Jobs, philanthropy was about branding: After resuming control of Apple in 1997, he eliminated all corporate philanthropy. When Apple did venture back into the field of philanthropy under Jobs, it affiliated itself with Product Red, which is a company that offers corporations like Nike the chance to boost revenues by dressing up their products as an AIDS charity and getting affiliated with one-name celebrities like Bono and Oprah. Apple's partnership with Product Red was infamous for incurring $100 million in marketing costs while only raising $18 million for charities to administer. Unfortunately, shopping is not a solution.

Yet Gates is the one characterized as a crass capitalist while Jobs is canonized for his contributions to society.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A hypothetical debate between Sun Tzu & Mike Tyson


On Preparation
 
The general who wins the battle makes many calculations before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.



Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.






On Posturing

Even though you are competent, appear to be incompetent. Though effective, appear to be ineffective.



 

I don't try to intimidate anybody before a fight. That's nonsense. I intimidate people by hitting them.




On Defence vs. Offence
 
Invincibility lies in the defence; the possibility of victory in the attack.





My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!




On Aggression

The enlightened ruler is heedful, and the good general full of caution.




 
I think I'll take a bath in his blood.


 


On Whether Combat Has Intrinsic Value 

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.




 
I just want to do what I do best, and that's fight. I love it. ... I love to hit people. I love to.




On Efficiency 

There has never been a protracted war from which a country has benefited.




I was hoping he would get up so I could hit him again.






On Lessons From History 

The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy. 




I'm a historian, and that freaks me out. 






On Self-Knowledge 

If you know others and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know others but know yourself, you win one and lose one; if you do not know others and do not know yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.



[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.





On Defining Victory 

In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's country whole and intact; to shatter and destroy it is not so good. So, too, it is better to recapture an army entire than to destroy it, to capture a regiment, a detachment or a company entire than to destroy them.

 
When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him.





On Book-Learning

The more you read and learn, the less your adversary will know. 



 

When I was in prison, I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap - people shouldn't read that stuff.
 



On Self-Preservation

The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.

 
You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. 




On Subtlety 

Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness.




 
I just want to conquer people and their souls.






On Defining Talent 

For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.




My power is discombobulatingly devastating. I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm.




On Setting Goals 

If asked how to cope with a great host of the enemy in orderly array and on the point of marching to the attack, I should say: "Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will."


My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Fun-size candy and fun-size paragraphs

The fact that miniature Mr. Big bars exist is a delicious irony.


Calling miniature Mr. Big bars a "delicious irony" is a clever play on words by me because Mr. Big bars are delicious.


Mr. Big was my favourite type of chocolate bar growing up and "To Be with You" by Mr. Big was one of my favourite songs. Coincidence, you say? I "big" to differ. (Clever play on words #2).


According to Wikipedia, Mr. Big bars are more common in Canada than in the rest of the world -- what's that about? The second most Mr. Big-y country in the world is South Korea, which doesn't make any sense since South Korea and Canada share little in common. Why do some chocolate bars end up with high market penetration in some areas even though they are all made by the same companies (Nestle & Cadbury) worldwide? Like, why are Clark Bars, 100 Grand bars, and Bounty bars in some places in the States but I can't find them here in Ontario? Why don't American convenience stores sell ketchup chips? Why didn't Canada stick with Vanilla Coke? I guess the simple answer to all these questions is that companies tried those products everywhere and they didn't sell enough in certain areas, but does anyone know a good reason why they didn't sell enough in certain areas? I mean, I get why a kimchi-flavoured chip would do better in Korea but Canada isn't more into ketchup than America, is it? I know for an absolute fact Canadians don't hate vanilla extract.


How can there be so much regionalism when it comes to snack flavours but everyone agrees Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse?


I always thought girls liked to read about horses growing up because the horses were a stand-in for a dream boy who is big and strong and does what you want, but if Sarah Jessica Parker really looks like a horse and those same girls that read horse books grew up* to idolize self-insert Carrie Bradshaw then maybe those girls wanted to be horses after all.

*: If you can call going to university to watch Sex & The City reruns "growing up"

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Bills After-Action Report: 2011 - Game 7


This was the worst thing that happened to the Bills today and you could argue it was actually pretty awesome:


George Wilson showing off his elite ball-hawking skills. You can see why he moved from WR to DB.

The Bills have a great record this year (5-2), but a lot of critics have pointed to their lack of success on the road as cause for concern. Those critics argued that the Bills only road win so far this season came against an ill-prepared Kansas City Chiefs team that demonstratively sucked. Well today the Bills traveled to Toronto and provided incontrovertible proof that they CAN win on the road! They even threw in directions so that those same self-satisfied critics can find their way to the crow factory for a heaping helping of-- What's that? Today's game counted as a home game? Goldarnit!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Campaiging for the lulz

It's reached the point where I can't even tell if someone is campaigning for real these days or if they are just doing it for the lulz. First, you have Rick Perry trolling Obama with the classic "Ha ha, you're not a real American!" gag:


Rick Perry got to pick up the birther mantle after Donald Trump had some fun with it earlier in the campaign. Trump got Obama-haters excited when he claimed he had people in Hawaii who "could not believe what they were finding."* This was such an outrageous claim that even Bill O'Reilly thought Trump was doing the birther thing for attention. And when Obama released his long-form certificate, Trump played it like that was exactly what he set out to do, which is classic griefing behaviour. Dance puppets, dance.


Many never believed that Trump was actually going to run -- even Bill Cosby recognized that Trump was "full of it" well before he left the race and I'm pretty sure Bill Cosby has been senile since the early '90s -- but Trump still got a lot of people to stand behind him before he jumped out of the way. Trump quit the race because, as he explained, who wants to be president when you have a "hit" TV show? And he is right; yelling at people on The Apprentice and flying to your golf courses (plural) on your helicopters (plural) has to be way more fun than being leader of the free world. Trump hasn't ruled out coming back into the race either, so expect another fun gag later on.


After getting a few pointers from Trump at at pizza place in NYC back in May, Sarah Palin was able to recreate the Trump experience. She trolled the media hard (and griefed her own supporters along the way) with a bus tour of early primary caucas states. At the end of the tour she essentially yelled, "Psych y'all!" and disappeared from the campaign. She also released a hype film about herself in July that was targeted at Tea Party districts and ended with her looking into the camera and saying, "Mr. President, Game on!" Three months later, it was game off.** You would think Republican candidates would at least have the decency to troll Democratic voters and not their own party.

"Ya see Sarah, first you get their hopes up and get their campaign donations, then, when they're invested emotionally and financially, you drop out the race!" "HA! That'll teach 'em to take the presidency seriously!"

Another hilarious way to mess with the public and the media is to take a fake thing from a video game and convince people that it is a real thing that is going to happen, like Herman Cain did with his SimCity tax plan. The Cain 9/9/9 plan caused poor people (that is, non-millionaires) to freak out once they realized how much more it would cost them in taxes.

I think this sort of thing is bound to happen when only millionaires like Cain and Trump (and, to a lesser degree, Mitt Romney) can afford to launch a campaign without significant financial aid. Everyone who cannot pay their own way has to do so many stupid things (think of all the pictures of GOP candidates eating corn dogs) to solicit campaign contributions and support, that the millionaires running around having a wank with the whole process are hard to distinguish from the rest of the pile. As if anybody who is already rich and powerful would want to be stuck with a job as demanding as President of the United States.

And then, there is this:


I doubt Mike Gravel was throwing rocks in ponds for the lulz back in 2008, but I do think he felt pressured to act like a weirdo to compete for eyeballs. The trend of politicans-qua-griefers wouldn't even be so bad if there weren't real candidates with good ideas being overlooked because someone else is doing silly things. And that forces the real candidates to act like idiots to get money and media attention, which is messed up. It's gotten to the point that I wouldn't be surprised to find out Rick Santorum secretly funded google-bombing of the contemporary definition of "santorum" just to be relevant again in a GOP presidential race that had (correctly) decided he was beside the point.

*: Trump's investigators were probably smart not to believe what they were finding since whatever was making Trump excited must have been bogus.

**: In  Palin's defence, the film only grossed $117,000, so maybe the support wasn't there for a presidential run.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sabres After-Action Report - 11/12 Season - Game 7

Of all the players on the Lightning to get fifteen seconds alone in front of the net, why did it have to be Martin St. Louis? That guy has more shifts than a factory. And what was he doing so far behind the play? I thought he was "defensively responsible" or something now. Jerk.

Meanwhile, Leino is clearly a double-agent sent over from Philly to torment Sabres fans; I know it's crazy but what proof do we have that isn't true? I bet he will continue to score just enough not to get benched (I'm thinking like .3 to .4 ppg) while handing the puck over to the other team at the worst possible times. Someone better check his bank accounts for transfers from the Wachovia Center.

Speaking of big free-agent acquisitions making terrible turnovers, how about Christian Ehrhoff putting one on the tape for Dominic Moore in the slot? Geeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Good thing it was Dominic Moore and not St. Louis.

On top of all that crap, we had to watch Tampa Bay clog the neutral zone and simulate what it would look like if all their players turned into goalies in the defensive zone. Stop collapsing to the crease and let us score, nerds! If the Sabres are using lasers to improve puck movement at the FNC -- and they actually are! -- then I bet Guy Boucher wants to use a snow machine to slow the game down in Florida. The Sabres didn't even play that badly and they still only averaged 7 shots per period. I hope that when Winnipeg moves to the Western Conference next year they take Tampa Bay with them.

Hey look! It's Guy Boucher's favourite book!