E-cred P-Roach style

One of the old jokes that sophisticated internet users ("e-bros") like to employ is to put a clever twist on the anguished opening lines sung by Papa Roach frontman Jacoby Shaddix in his 2000 hit single, "Last Resort". You know, the prominent lyrics that stand out garishly at the start of the song:

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort

For example, one farcical take on those two lines that e-bros have come up with is:

Cut my life into pizza
This is my plastic fork

Sure it doesn't make total sense, but that's part of why it's funny.

Now you seem like the a nice person and you're lonely enough to spend a portion of your short life reading this bizarre blog post instead of having meaningful interactions with other members of humanity, so I'm going to help you out socially by giving you some choice versions of the Papa Roach joke (above) that I, myself, have come up with. They are carefully crafted for specific situations so listeners will be amazed at your customized wit should you pull these gems off. It will be like you achieved glorious internet standing but in real life.

When you are handing in your half of a book review:

Put my words in with Lisa’s
That makes our book report

When are you describing what your own version of the best algorithm for alphabetizing does:

Puts all lists into order
It is my own quick sort

When you aren’t going to Planned Parenthood to terminate a pregnancy:

Cut my fetus to pieces
This is my self-abort

When you refuse to switch to a different financial advisor:

But my money increases
Thanks to my Jew friend Mort

When you are a Raptors coach and you think Calderon should start ahead of Lowry

But Jose is a better passer
He makes our best backcourt

When you defeat the Aztecs and conquer Mexico

I am Hernado Cortez
This is now my own fort

When you decide to leave the French boat out of the flotilla because it steers to the left:

Cut the ship that is francaise
It always drifts to port

When you want your servant to prepare an ironically working-class snack for the anticipated visit of the spouse of a monarch:

Cover bread with the Cheese Whiz
It’s for the King’s consort

When your Latino student has one last track event in the decathlon to get ready for:

Put on your spikes now Marquez
This is your last field sport

When your tour guide wants to take your family to the flea market that sells lots of fabric but you’re running out of money

But my wife’s into fleeces
This needs to be cut short

When explaining to your buddy why you refuse to take the subway

There's always too much feces
I hate public transport

When you are the president demanding that the CIA and FBI get along

This rivalry now ceases
Interagency support

When you are a doctor instructing your patient to eat better and take better care of their feet

Cut out the Reese’s pieces
And get more arch support

When you are telling your wife to get more alcohol for her extended family so they will stop drinking yours

Put out booze for your nieces
They drank my glass of port

When you need your mechanics to stop wasting lubricant because you are running low

Cut wasteful use of greases
This is our last full quart

When you are confirming to your doctor that your wife demands you get the gross growth on your body removed

That’s what my ball and chain says,
"Remove my awful wart"