... call me Keynesian economics, because you’ll need to go into debt on a cyclical basis to get me out of a general glut and raise my employment rate.
... call me the Union Army, because I’m blue and it will take me about 5 years to accomplish what should be done in half the time and I’ll probably get dysentery along the way.
... call me the Buffalo Bills because I will always find new and terrible ways to disappoint you.
... call me the appendix, because you’ll wonder why you ever had me around in the first place after I suddenly put you in the hospital and you have to pay someone to make me go away.
... call me Greece, because the last time I was the best at anything was ancient history.
... call me CBS, because your grandparents love me but I spend hours every evening focused on disturbing murders.
... call me the iPhone, because something better will come along soon.
... call me OxyContin, because even hillbillies use me to feel better about their lives.
... call me Phillip Morris Inc., because if you heard anything good about me I probably paid them to say it.
... call me Somalia, because I haven't had my shit together for over a quarter-century now and I get into lots of fights over food. Also the dysentery thing again.
... call me Dave Matthews Band, because the last time you were actually excited to hear from me was the late ‘90s and I have had a few black guys in me over the years.
... call me climate change, because I don’t seem like much of a threat now but I will eventually ruin everything.
... call me Gandalf, because I’ll send you on dangerous tasks that I could easily take care of myself.
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