Fetchball

My wife is always telling me that she wants to spend more time together so I am always telling her she should watch football with me. My offer is basically 12 straight hours of sitting on the couch together eating nachos. For incomprehensible reasons my offer is always rebuffed, refused, and I am reprimanded. I (want to) believe, though, that my wife would come around to spending her fall Sundays with the me and the NFL if she better understood the sport. After all, you never really appreciate something until you have the proper analogy to understand it. And that's why I wrote this explanation of football positions using dog breeds.

Think about your local dog park and how the dogs interact when someone is throwing a ball for them. Much like football, it first appears as though all the running is random, but over time patterns emerge. The ball keeps coming back to the same guy (or gal) who chucks it. Certain dogs tend to come up with the ball while others bite and play violently. They'll try and grab the ball right out of the thrower's hand if you are not careful. Other dogs stand off the side or feel compelled to make a lot noise but cannot grab the ball. Pretty quickly you can categorize the dogs into different roles which allows the whole scene to make sense.

It's the same thing with football (except there are more concussions). The quarterback (read: guy throwing the ball) gets the ball when it's handed to him and some players on the other side try to grab it away, but the quarterback will throw the ball away before they can do so. The ball is caught and everyone on the other team tries to get it away from the guy with the ball or take him out.

Hey, I'm not saying it's a perfect analogy, but no analogy is perfect and this will make more sense once we get going.

Offence

Quarterback: Throws the ball. It's the human in this analogy, but if it had to be a dog then it would probably be a geriatric golden retriever. The golden retriever often has the ball to start with and he usually gives the ball up without too much of a jerk-face. The dog is handsome and tall, but not crazy athletic, relying more on intelligence and veteran savvy to succeed. Being to read the play is important to this dog/position, but it sometimes gets crushed by other, more reckless dogs.

 

Running Back: This is the dog that often ends up with the ball and runs around with it for a while because it is very hard to get the ball away for that dog. It's not big but it is agile and can make you miss. Probably best translates to a Jack Russell on leg steroids.

Wide Receiver: Greyhound. Gazelle-like. Tall, sleek and very fast. Can get to the ball first and run with it once it makes the catch but may get run over by a trucking linebacker/big dog. Also, some of them can be divas.

Offensive Line: Very, very large even for football players. Almost everyone on a football field is way bigger than the average man but offensive lineman stand out even amongst football players. Never really tries to go after the ball because it is totally focused on battling physically with the other animals. Gentle giants who exert their will through sheer mass and power. There are actually three different positions on the offensive line (center, guard, and tackle) so I will pick out three dog breeds: Newfoundlanders, Irish Wolfhounds, and English Mastiffs. Joint problems are common and their lifespans are depressingly short. Will occasionally fall on balls that are fumbled away by other players/dogs.

Tight End: St. Bernard. Somewhere between an offensive lineman and a wide receiver. Can catch the ball but still a lumbering giant.

Defence 

Defensive Line: The bulldog. In reality, these guys are some of the biggest on the field but I had to make them the bulldog even though the bulldog is a small sized dog because of its other characteristics. Imagine a bulldog that weighs as much as a Great Dane and you have a defensive tackle. Quick over short distances, don't expect this dog/player to chase anything down. It will clog up the middle and force others to go around it. Wide-set with a low center of gravity. Mean-looking. Wants the ball but will not run far to get it. Runs at you and tries to grab the ball away even if though it knows you are going to throw it.

Linebacker: Labrador Retrievers. Big and thick but still fast enough to chase down the ball carrier. These guys will put a lick on you. Well-rounded, high-motor dogs that always end up near the ball if not quite on it and need to have some modicum of intelligence to be able to read the play.

Cornerback: West Highland Terrier. The smallest guys on the field but they overcompensate with lots of woofing. Rarely gets the ball because it can't really hold onto it. Small and fast but not usually physical, these are the whirling dervishes on the outside that like to act tough.

Safety: Border Collie. Big but not huge. Very fast with great instincts and and intensity, the border collie/safety can come out of nowhere to pick the ball of by using patience and positioning. The best ones have great anticipation and are obsessed with the game.

Special Teams

Kicker: Sheltie. These guys are kind of a joke and don't really look like they belong. Usually found off to the side away from the field of play. It's padding/fur makes it look twice as big as it really is.

Punter: Weiner Dog. Not a real dog/football player, but fun to watch do its thing.