Defrauding the Environment

Close to 60 natural gas well sites in southern Alberta, were supposed to be cleaned up and the land was supposed to be rehabilitated once the company operating them (Aeraden Energy Corp.) stopped extracting resources from them. Instead, an Alberta Energy Regulator (AER) investigation found CEPro Energy & Environmental Services Inc. submitted site photos on Aeraden's behalf that weren’t of the wells being reclaimed and signed off on cleanups at many sites despite holes in the ground and equipment left behind. Now, in Canada, to prove fraud, the prosecution only needs to show that there was deceit that the accused knew would potentially deprive someone else. In this case, that is very easy: submitting fake photos is deceit, plain as a day. So is signing a document that says something is clean when it is not. And it is hard to leave huge holes in the ground and equipment littering the landscape without knowing about it. The "someone else" being deprived in this case is all of us since the fraud harmed our shared environment -- an environment, mind you, that AER claims to be responsible for over the entire life cycle of resource extraction projects. So, CEPro must have been charged, right? I mean, even if they are not punished for polluting or breaching environmental regulations, at a minimum the fraud part of this case is a slam dunk! No, of course they were not charged. As Clarence Darrow once said, "A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation." So naturally the companies involved will not even face financial penalties despite the breadth and seriousness of their contraventions of Alberta’s Environmental Protection and Enhancement Act. For the lazy pricks who committed fraud while hiding behind corporate veils, prison was never contemplated. Instead, each company received a warning letter from AER, calling the matter “very serious.” What a crock of shit.

The Secret is Never Try

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” 
― Narcotics Anonymous

I hate this quote, especially when it's abridged to just, "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." It's anti-perseverance and inaccurate in non-deterministic environments (i.e. life). It's like saying to some who wants a coin to land heads to give up if they flip it a couple times and get only tails.

Have Another Donut but even more sardonically

I like to carry around a box of donuts with the words "For HEROES Only" at big public functions. I go up to police standing (or more often sitting) around doing nothing whatsoever and open the box. When they reach for one I slam the lid shut and tell them that they've already fed enough at the public trough, piggy piggy piggy, they don't need any more overcompensation. Then I explain that the donuts are clearly for NBC's HEROES™ (Masi Oka, Hayden Panettiere and their colleagues -- have they seen them?) but I opened the box so they could see what they need to lay off of. Last, I hit them with a lecture about presumptiveness and how assumptions make an ass out of you and me but mostly just you, like almost entirely you.

Works best on the fat ones, which is to say most of 'em.

HBD

Facebook is a grand website to visit if you enjoy racking your brain to think of an original and non-obnoxious way to say "Happy Birthday!"

Toronto Dominion Over All

So the not-so-self-aware folks at TD Economics came up with a new labour market indicator and the headline they chose to introduce it with is, "ONE INDICATOR TO RULE THEM ALL." That's right. They went with a metaphor using Tolkien's evil ring that corrupts even the purest of hearts. In this analogy (of their choosing!), they are Sauron and the labour market indicator possesses a hidden malevolent power to enable their control over (Middle) Earth.

This is terrible branding on their part. Monolithic institutions operating in big towers and with wide-ranging influence should not be quoting imperious necromancers to introduce a new product they are intent on everyone adopting.

I call upon the Frodo of our time to destory this foul statistic and banish its evil designs from our realm.

But as long as one of the world's most powerful banks is being oblivious to their imposing stature and to literary allusions, they might as well go whole hog. I propose TD Collections Services should reference Shylock from The Merchant of Venice. Their new product should carry the headline, "The adjustable-rate mortgage payment which we demand is dearly bought; 'tis ours and we shall have it."

Studly Cool Words

"Oh yeah? You wanna act out? Well I got a little flare for the damn attic myself." - me, before I shoot a flare at the roof of a building I am arguing with a melodramatic neighbour about.

Note that this works even better when spoken aloud because the distinct spellings of the homophone flare/flair would be obscured in such a situation.

The First Two Hipsters 1 Minute After The Big Bang

Florissa Fairweather-Van Vleet: I dunno, I just feel like the whole cosmological principle of large-scale homogeneity is too normative, you know? I mean, why can't we just be our own singularities if some of us feel like that on the inside? ... [plaintively] Jaydennnn, are you even listening to me? I'm trying to tell you about my myriad lived experiences.

Jayden Tuckerston-Marlborough: Wait, sorry, what? I was listening to some Arcade Fire tracks on my (ostentatiously huge) headphones but yeah, pretty lame how we are the only two white people in the universe right now. It just seems like, where's the diversity, you know? Let's find some Afro-American guys who will sell us weed.

Florissa: Dammit, Jayden! You're not even trying to connect with me chakras! Why do you think I got this orca tattoo on my left thigh? You make me feel like such a whale sometimes!

Jayden: Ok, God, fine. We can just watch Bob's Burgers or whatever on Netflix if you want, fine. We should still get some weed before our Gender Studies class though.

Florissa: Ahhhhh, thanks Jayden. Sometimes it's like you're the only one in this universe who can understand me.

Jayden: Love ya too, babe. *Puts headphones back on* Hey, these headphones aren't even plugged in! Yo, Florissa, I think that maybe that music I was hearing is just the random burbling background noise of the Big Bang's proto-verse repeating itself over and over, but I totally admit it does sound a tad like some of Win's newer stuff.

Florissa: Um, no offense, but isn't it, like, a bit presumptuous to say you can really objectively observe the Big Bang. I just feel like Steady State Theory makes a bit more sense to me than what's happening right now 'cause of postmodern cultural relativism and something I read in an old National Geographic once when I was at my aunt's cottage for Midsummer's Day in Östersund.

Jayden: *having wandered off 50 words ago, smokes a little weed and gets so paranoid about how it will affect his brain when he is writing his art history midterm 13.8 billion years from now that he runs into a black hole to hide*

Florissa: *tumblrs gif of Jayden slipping beyond the event horizon then searches for Pabst Blue Ribbon on Alta Vista*

Jayden: *manages to radiate pompous, venal ignorance throughout the universe despite being trapped by in a gravity well*